Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Plans

Plans. I'm not quite sure I'm very good at it all. Recently I haven't been much of a planner and I couldn't see myself being one anytime soon.

I have so many role models around me that seriously have their life in order. That know what they want and make plans for the future with gusto and a real sense of knowing. It terrifies me. It sends me into a downward spiral of uncontrollable fear.

How is it these people know what they want almost to the finite minute. How is it they can sit down and write a life path? How can you be so sure, how can you be so cool headed and stable. A world of moving on, buying a house, having children. These are the people that surround me.

Then there's me.

Here I am just working through each day. But what if that's wrong? Yes I vaguely plan but its never a definite. I'll throw it aside for something else, I'll set myself a new goal, I'll let the dice roll.

Sometimes it hurts being the youngest in a family. Very often you feel like you're being left behind. You don't want things to change because it all seems so perfect. Alas, something new always arrives and it takes you months to get use to whatever that might be. Then, you are back to comfort 101 but then SLAP! You're hit with another new thought, a new member, new dynamics and you are now back in the world of change. Change that you didn't want quite so soon.

So I'm on a path of independent thought. I'm trying to understand the lives of others and I'm finding it all too difficult. My last year where uni is my safety net is fast disappearing and maybe plans might just have to become part of my world. Or maybe they don't. But then family takes up the corners of my mind and I can't but help think of obligations, of stability.

Who knows. For now though I'm off to not plan my life.

Xx

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