Tuesday, 1 May 2012

It Is Broken

I kind of do this on a somewhat regular basis.... I broke it. I broke my promise that I would be forever chained to three times a week, on time posts... it seems habits really don't die.

Life is destroying my soul right now so I'm going to take a sabbatical from blogging for 2 weeks...

I'm really sorry! More sorry then you can ever imagine actually. This is my little release - my break away from all the destruction university and general life strips away. So really it is a lose lose situation for you and me.
But I really am rather behind and I really do need to get a move on all my assignments or I may very well be entering in yet another year of university I really DO NOT want to have. Plus I may have been struck by motivation to do somewhat well thanks to guest lecturer Benjamin Law - a local freelance journalist whose work is what dreams are made of. Current life decision (which will most likely change) - freelance journalist!

But just so I don't feel like I've completely stabbed you all in the back, maybe more like a somewhat unexpected jab from the side I'm going to divulge a quick little something that has recently been filling up the spaces of my frivolous mind. Unfortunately it is not about fashion OR food but in a sense it's about all things:

Let us talk LIFE - oops! Did I hit on that nerve - that question we all ask at least once in our lifetime - why am I here? what is my purpose on this Earth?

Recently I have been a little philosophical - I have stripped away all the fluff of modern day life and I have come to a happy conclusion for myself -

Take it as it comes.

Life is going to constantly knock me down. Life will always throw all sorts of unwanted dirty at me and it seems it is never ending. I struggle with my inner self on a daily basis and I smile at my life on the occasion as well. Quite often I find myself seeing the positives I can tick off but those negatives still float to the surface.

There are so many things I want to do in this lifetime and I'm constantly struck with this overwhelming fear I will achieve none of those things. I have a lot of self doubt - it may be a result of my upbringing or purely a result of my own masochistic tendencies. But I have realised you cannot plan your life. I'm not one to throw out words like destiny and faith unless there is a negative preceding it. I have always believed you need to work for what you want - things don't always happen for a reason and you are constantly discovering yourself.

What you wanted 10 years ago may not be what you want now. Society places some sort of hold on us - we want to please it, we want to follow its' conventions and rules. But I have realised that we don't need to. All this fluff in life is just that - unwanted particles that cause us to swell and sneeze. Clean up the air and just look around - it's free of dust. All you are left with are the bare bones and the things that really matter. In my little girl dreams all I ever truly wanted (as shallow as this is going to be) was to be rich. Rich in any sort of monetary field. It didn't matter how I was rich - my own ability, an attachment to a money lathered man, some sort of lost inheritance, winning the lottery. For me, money was the only thing that mattered.

Now, I can't be further apart from that. It makes me feel sick actually. I use to want money so bad that it didn't matter if I loved my life or not - because money would solve all my problems - oh how naive I was. Today I see that money is important yes but you only need enough to live how you wish to live.

I have always been focused on me - I can be rather selfish and I have made the decision that in my life - what makes me happy will always be a priority. I can't do something for the sake of my family if it does not make me smile. Family will always be number one in my life but in terms of my life trajectory - well we all need to look at ourselves in the mirror too. I'm not planning out anything - I'm taking the punches as they strike. I have goals but I'm not letting them rule my life - for sometimes they can actually stop you from finding what you are really made for.

I'm going to live the simple life - a life where I'm happy to part it at the end. A life where my days are made up of what I love to do (whatever that may be), a life I am pleased to call my own.

I'll be back for SS on Sunday 13th May - AND remember to look out for those hidden butterflies.


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